By Tom Blake
As a columnist writing about dating after 50 for 18 years, I’ve heard a lot of opinions from single women regarding single men. In my opinion, two of these opinions are erroneous; today I am going to clear them up.
The first misconception is when women age 50-plus tell me the reason they don’t date much is that men are intimidated by their beauty, intelligence and confidence. I received four emails in the last two weeks on that topic.
Andrea said, “A lot of men feel intimidated or threatened by my bubbly personality, intellect and free spirit.”
Gail emailed, “I’ve met too many men who are definitely intimidated by self-confident, strong, intelligent women. I’ve met men lately who want a compliant, weak, unsure, unintelligent woman. I think it’s just the nature of some men…not all thankfully.”
Sundra stated, “I have had many men tell me my intelligence intimidated them. I have had some tell me they could not trust a wife as attractive as me.”
Rose said, “A friend told me that being intelligent, attractive, confident, financially secure, inquisitive and independent is intimidating to men. They prefer someone more of a mess and dependent they can take care of or rescue.”
Perhaps these women simply are not meeting quality men. Not one single, older guy I know is intimidated by a woman’s intelligence, beauty or confidence. Take, for example, my friend Ken, a retired guy, who visits Tutor and Spunky’s, my Dana Point deli. He’s tall, intelligent, good looking, a great dancer and financially comfortable. Ken is not intimidated by women with those qualities; he will only date women with those qualities.
Women who believe they intimidate men because of their intelligence, confidence and beauty are kidding themselves. Quality men appreciate those characteristics—and other qualities such as kindness, consideration and thoughtfulness—as well. Men I know do not look for women they can manipulate. They look for women who are equals.
The second misconception I hear from women is there are no good single men in California.
Sonya emailed, “Here in California there are no good men, so I find that looking for them or wishing upon a star is a waste of my time.”
I responded to Sonya’s email: “Ah come on, Sonya, you don’t really mean that.”
Her reply: “My personal experiences in California are unreal and I am an educated person. So I am not holding my breath anymore, just concentrating on my own career.”
Restoring my faith in single women on the topic of California men, Maria emailed saying that when she moved to California she dated for a year and then stopped. She added, “I decided stopping wasn’t the fault of California men (and I did a lot of blaming), but it was my negative attitude. I realized I had subconsciously put up a ‘no vacancy’ sign.
“I’m waking up now, changing my attitude to a more open frame-of-mind and trying to figure out how to get to know men again with my confidence intact. There are plenty of high-energy, spiritual men around who are older.”
For the record: confident, attractive, and intelligent women do not intimidate quality men and there are a lot of good single guys in California. Locating them? That’s a different issue.
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