| Eye on SC |
Friends, Family Mourn Teen at Memorial
 Vol. 4, Issue 34, August 20-26, 2009
By Jonathan Volzke
San Clemente Times
Community worried in wake of Chance Ryder’s suicide
Kay Ryder walked toward the end of the San Clemente Pier just after noon on Saturday, as more than 20 surfers broke the circle they’d created in the Pacific in memory of her son, Chance.
In her purse were the ashen remains of Chance, a Shorecliffs Middle School graduate who was just 14 when he took a gun and killed himself in his family’s home late last month. It had always been in Kay’s will for her ashes to be spread at sea, and now she was the one completing the task, saying goodbye to her son.
“I was always supposed to go first,” she said. “It wasn’t supposed to happen this way. You just don’t outlive your children.”
Her heart on Saturday, as it has been since the late evening hours of July 31, was “dead,” she said.
“There’s no feeling there,” Kay said. “I can’t remember names; there’s just loss. It’s surreal. I can’t believe it’s really happening.”
The pain was so overwhelming for Kay, that she too tried to take her life. Days after her only son killed himself, she was admitted to Saddleback Memorial having overdosed on sleeping pills. She was released the following week after a 72-hour observation period.
“It was a pretty stupid thing to do,” she said of her overdose. “I’m over it now.”
In recent weeks, Kay said she has received text messages from at least three other teens threatening to commit suicide by overdosing.
“It hurts that these kids are doing this in Chance’s name. They don’t know what they’re doing to me, their parents, and their friends. My heart’s hurting for these kids so much. I’m hoping that the memorial, this celebration of him, will make people feel better.
On Saturday more than 60 well wishers gathered just north of the Pier in memory of Chance and heard Capo Beach Calvary Pastor Jens Christy and Youth Pastor Kyle Partin urge them to keep Chance in their hearts and to honor his life.
Chance was the second San Clemente teen to take his life with a handgun in recent months. In May, 16-year-old Daniel Dipronio Mendez shot himself to death on a Forster Ranch residential street. Some are concerned more kids might make the same rash decision. There’s also concern about whether kids will turn to alcohol or drugs to cope.
“I urge you to put the bottle down, to put the drugs aside,” Partin told the crowd gathered in the sand. “Live with joy and happiness. Even when it sucks, that’s life, so live with it.
“Let Chance know through your life that you loved him.”
According to the Orange County Coroner’s Office, an average of 14 people between 14 and 20 took their own lives each year between 2004 and 2008.
Partin spoke from the asphalt area just above the sand. The low block wall between the areas was covered with photographs of Chance and hand-written posters with thoughts of him. The photographs showed a seemingly happy kid, with blonde curly hair. He was a great baseball player, a great surfer. A great friend.
“Chance, you obviously had no idea how much we all love and care about your,” one hand-written poster read. “I was always worried about you but never knew exactly why. Now I know how hard everything was for you. I really I wish I could have helped you.”
Some parents of other middle-school students and friends of Chance are also trying to work toward ensuring nothing like this happens again. Kathrine Lee said the goal is to create “A Chance to Change the Tide,” and keep children off drugs, giving them positive alternatives. Also working on the effort is Andrea Kooiman.
“This cannot happen again,” Kooiman said Saturday, her own daughter in her arms. ‘The system failed over and over again. A lot of drug and alcohol use is going on, and it’s either being ignored or people are not doing enough about it.”
Chance’s MySpace page was filled with references to smoking marijuana.
“It makes you want to throw up,” Kooiman said. “If that much is out in the open, what are they doing that’s not in the open?”
Friends, however, downplayed the role of any drug use in Chance’s last decision. They described him as laid-back, a good listener who seemed to understand, the sort always there for someone else.
“A lot of kids out here smoke pot … I know he was not doing hard-core drugs,” friend Liz Weeks said.. “He would have told me. He got depressed a lot…I guess he was always depressed.”
Many would have helped him, they said, but no one knew the depth of his depression. Many friends said they were convinced it was just a rash decision, one that couldn’t be undone.
“He was really cool. He stood up for all of his friends,” said Brandon Shahan, 14, who described himself as Chance’s best friend. “But he did say sometimes he wished he wasn’t alive.” The day he shot himself, Chance had gone to Crystal Cove and posted on his MySpace page what a great day it was. But as the day wore on, the posts turned darker.
Partin, who’d met Chance a couple of times through the church, said parents need to be open to their children. Ironically, he quoted Marilyn Manson, the goth-rock singer whose music was blamed by some for the Columbine shootings. Asked what he would say to the kids and residents of Littleton, Manson replied: “I wouldn’t say a single word to them. I’d listen to what they have to say. And that’s what no one did.”
Partin said it’s difficult, because teens sometimes won’t answer direct questions, but parents just have to be willing to wait and listen. “With students, one week you’re their best friend and the next week they hate your guts. It fluctuates,” Partin said. “It’s not an easy thing to build a relationship with a student, but you have to keep going back.”
In speaking to those assembled in the sand Saturday, Partin drew chuckles when he described Chance as a “pier rat” who surfed about any day he could. The memorial was unusual, Kay said, but it was appropriate for her son.
“He used to love to shoot the pier,” she said as she walked on the wooden planks. “He was happy they frowned on it. He liked that.”
During the paddle out, surfers formed a circle and floated an empty board in the middle. They shouted “Chance” in unison and splashed ocean water into the air. From the pier, other mourners dropped flowers in the sea.
Most were gone, though, when Kay made her walk down the pier with her family and a smaller cluster or supporters. She gave each a small bag of her son’s ashes, then emptied the largest into the sea herself. Her son’s funeral had ended.
“It’s just over now, it’s over,” she sobbed. “I thought I wanted it to be over, but I don’t.”
Norb Garrett contributed to this story.
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It makes me happy that one parent in San Clemente got it right! Thank God his/her child was completely honest with her/him and they did everything completely by the instruction book that the child was born with. Yes, it's always the parent's fault and you can pat yourself on the back for knowing that the parent will take it to her own grave and you were the smart one to point it out. I'm willing to bet that most parents are glad that you posted that it's the parent's fault when you know nothing about the child. Lots of people like the attention by saying they know him, so I'm glad you got your 15 minutes of being famous and perfect. God bless the perfect parent but God, please help those of us that weren't born as perfect parents as some.
just remember
the day will come
when you are
humbled to your knees.
make no mistake about it.
until then...
enjoy your
arrogance.
Some Facts About Suicide:
• In America, more than 32,000 people die by suicide each year (2005 Centers for Disease Control and Prevention).
• Suicide is one of the top three causes of death among 15 to 24-year-olds; only accidents and homicide occur more frequently (2006 National Adolescent Health Information).
• Suicide is the second leading cause of death among college campuses (2008 Centers for Disease Control and Prevention).
• For every completed suicide by a young person, it is estimated that 100 to 200 attempts are made (2003 Youth Risk Behavior Surveillance Survey).
• Lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and questioning youth are up to four times more likely to attempt suicide than their heterosexual peers (Massachusetts 2006 Youth Risk Survey).
• Lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and questioning youth who come from a rejecting family are up to nine times more likely to attempt suicide than their heterosexual peers (2007 San Francisco State University Chavez Center Institute).
Warning Signs:
• A tendency toward isolation and social withdrawal
• Substance abuse
• Expression of negative attitudes toward self
• Expression of hopelessness or helplessness
• Loss of interest in usual activities
• Giving away valued possessions
• Expression of a lack of future orientation (i.e. "It won't matter soon anyway").
• For someone who has been very depressed, when that depression begins to lift, the individual may be at INCREASED risk of suicide, as the individual will have the psychological energy to follow-through on suicidal ideation.
Or we can be involved in our kids lives. It's also easy to blame outside sources, a LOT easier because then we don't have to take responsibility for our own kids. It's a parent's job to pay attention. If your kid is using drugs or depressed, you would be able to see that if you were really looking, you wouldn't need someone to tell you how they're feeling on the inside to tell that something was wrong, even if you didn't know exactly what it was. Don't ASSume that everything is a-ok just because your kid doesn't directly tell you he/she has a problem. Your kids are counting on you and they need you even if they don't know it.
Do you think if the mother or anyone else really knew how Chance felt they wouldn't have intervened. The truth is we never truly know how anyone really feels inside. period. We can guess, judge and ASSume but it isn't absolute. It really is that simple. It's so easy to sit on the outside and cast stones.
I agree with sc resident... parents have to take responsibility. We can't blame society or the media, and if that was the cause all kids would be doing drugs and killing themselves. I'm not saying the parents are the cause, but they need to pay closer attention to what's going on in kids' lives and see signs of depression or of their kids getting into negative stuff before it gets to the point of addiction or suicide. If we stop excusing people because we feel bad for them and start being accountable for the way our kids are turning out, we can stop tragic stuff like this from happening.
you're a SC resident all right...sitting on your pathetic delusional high horse making judgement over a deceased teenager and his heartbroken mother. The communtiy mindset here is sickening.
Are you sure it is the parents or is the problem much more deeper than that. Like a society where most families have to work to jobs to make ends meet or a society that puts so much on material things, that people adults and children alike feel lesser a person if they don't or can't "keep up with the Jones" whatever the reason. Don't let this be a blame game, the fact remains Chance is no longer here with his mom, with his friends, with the people that love him. Lets start the healing process. Lets not place blame. Lets try and make a differnce. Not waste our time placing blame.
The system didn't fail, the parents failed. Sadly, especially in Orange County, there are many one parent or two working parent families and that means our children are left unsupervised far too much. Too often parents don't want to be seen as mean or nosy, they want to be a friend to their child; they suffer from guilt over not being there and so are too lenient; they are exhausted and just don't want to fight. I know, I was one of them. I am blessed that my child is a hard working, honest young man but I worked really hard at being in his life. He never mistook me for being a friend, always knew that first and foremost, I am his mom. Now that he is a young adult, we can be friends. And for the kids out there who think that smoking pot had nothing to do with it: pot and alcohol are both depressants. If you feel sad, you feel sadder; if you are angry you will be angrier; if you are struggling, you will lose hope. This should prove to you all that pot can kill just as much as crack can. Honor Chance and get clean; visit his mom- she needs you more than she realizes.