After suicide of Daniel Mendez in 2009, family has become anti-bullying crusaders
By Jim Shilander
The Mendez family has likely gone through the worst that a family can experience.
Today, however, nearly four years after Daniel Mendez’s suicide, the family has dedicated itself to preventing other families from experiencing the same pain.
Anna Mendez has finished writing a book on dealing with the aftermath of the death of her son, If These Halls Could Talk. The process, she said, began in the months after her son committed suicide on May 1, 2009, when the family began accumulating emails and other information they were given about what led to Daniel’s death.
“We sensed that one day, this would all have to be revealed,” Anna Mendez said. “We had several very good friends who encouraged us to keep notes of everything because one day, there would be a story to tell.”
Anna said it took about a year to begin writing, with additional work coming over the last three years.
“It has been extremely painful to relive it, over and over again, as we try to write it, or edit it, or anything like that. But at the same time, it’s been very healing to see the story and how it all unfolded. From a 10,000 foot view, we can understand so much more,” she said.
Anna said her son began being bullied in middle school, with classmates targeting his perceived sexual orientation and his status as a child of mixed Mexican and Italian heritage. Though there were a few instances of physical bullying in elementary school, Anna said, Daniel became isolated in middle school.
According to depositions provided by students who grew up with Daniel as part of a lawsuit filed against the Capistrano Unified School District and several of the accused bullies (which have since been settled), that isolation happened almost overnight, Mendez said.
“One of the kids said, ‘when we got to middle school, it just wasn’t cool to be his friend anymore,'” Anna reported.
The bullying continued in high school. Mendez said her son talked to his parents less about the bullying in high school after being more open about what happened in middle school, even as his parents thought it might still be going on. The intensity of the bullying had increased after it was initially reported, the family said.
Anna said her book notes the things that she and her husband missed as parents, and what school officials and Daniel’s therapists overlooked.
Victoria Mendez, Daniel’s younger sister, now attends San Clemente High School. She walks the same hallways her brother walked and sees some of the same teachers and administrators.
Unlike her brother, Victoria said she was never bullied growing up. She was 12 at the time of her brother’s death, in sixth grade, and said her brother made sure to put on a positive, fun outlook when they were together. That made the suicide all the more shocking, she said.
“I knew it would be hard to be in the same place he was, with the same teachers. But Cool 2 Be Kind was there, the club his friends started, and I kind of felt like I was supposed to go there,” Victoria said. “And I wasn’t going to let what happened dictate what I was going to do.”
Danny Mendez, Daniel and Victoria’s father, said his daughter told her parents that not attending the high school would mean the bullies won.
San Clemente High School counselor Paul Harris said Daniel’s death certainly brought a heightened awareness to bullying at the school in the months afterward, as Daniel’s friends formed Cool 2 Be Kind, especially in the first full semester in the fall of 2009. The club and issue has remained in the forefront since.
Though a number of Daniel’s good friends were involved with the formation of the club, Anna said, there was a perception that some were essentially trying to gain from what happened to Daniel, by getting something good for their college applications. In the opinion of Daniel’s friends, she said, that was actually true in a few cases. But those friends largely absolved those students for not having the best motives initially as the club’s activities went forward and they showed their hearts to be in the right place.
With the graduation of many of Daniel’s close friends over the last couple of years, Victoria said she knows her presence means a lot to the club, in terms of keeping her brother’s memory alive. She was elected as the club’s leader this year.
“As soon as they graduated I came,” she said. “There was never a period where the club didn’t know Daniel. And that I’m his sister has allowed the club to grow more because they know it was so personal for me.”
The club has also expanded beyond San Clemente, with three chapters in Texas, another in Louisiana and another in Michigan. It sponsors an annual anti-bullying march and participates in the city’s annual Blue Ribbon Week. Just last month the club sponsored a dance at the San Clemente Community Center, which was also attended by a number of the club’ founding members home for spring break from college. On a daily basis, the club provides “safe rooms” for students at the high school, where students feeling ostracized or targeted might be able to eat lunch, Harris said.
Victoria makes a potent spokesperson against bullying at the school, Harris said. This year, she began helping him with some of the presentations provided to freshman as they begin school. Putting a personal face on the problem of bullying had a real impact, he said.
“It’s been much more relatable to students, much more meaningful,” Harris said. “They realize it’s not something in another community, it’s ours.”
Harris said that Daniel’s status as an average kid, rather than as the member of a stereotypically picked-on group, helped to bring the realization to the community that anyone could be the target of bullying.
“I don’t think kids and parents really understood that,” he said.
Anna and Dan Mendez have also founded an anti-bullying organization, the National Association of People Against Bullying, or www.napab.org, which provides advocacy and services on behalf of bullied children, including helping to pay for therapy and private investigation services. The group also provides presentations for students and educators and advocates for students to receive similar protections against harassment as employees receive in the workplace.
Part of the organization’s website is devoted to keeping a running news feed about students who have committed suicide due to bullying.
“We definitely reach out to the parents, we know they’re still in shock, but we try to let them know there are resources there to help them get through it,” Anna said. “But we’re also reaching out to families who have not yet lost a child, who still have a chance to save their child if they recognize how serious bullying can be. Because, we truly did not know. When I read those stories, it’s heartbreaking how similar to ours they are.”
Danny said he’s heard the argument bullying has been around forever, and that there wasn’t anything to be done. He rejects that notion.
“I equate that to the police,” he said. “Would they ever quit fighting crime because they’ll never be able to stop it all? No. You have to do something about it. Everybody has to do something about it.”
Anna Mendez’s book is available through the publisher’s website, www.ifthesehallscouldtalk.tateauthor.com. It will be released to Amazon.com and other booksellers May 28.
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