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By Tom Blake
Older singles hoping to find a relationship face many challenges. One of the more delicate ones is chemistry.
A widower emailed: “My question has to do with female chemistry. My wife passed away suddenly two years ago. I was married for 50 years to the love of my life. I am 72. I met a lovely lady on Match.com and have been seeing her for four months. We both work so it is usually on the weekends when we get together. She was widowed six years ago after a 37-year marriage to the love of her life. She is 65.
“We have an incredible number of things in common,” he continued. “I am the first man she has dated and she is the second woman I have dated. She is terrific. We talk a lot about our spouses, which seems to be the best ‘counseling’ for both of us. We said from the beginning that we would be open and honest with each other.
“We are in no hurry to have sex but both seem to enjoy being together, holding hands and cuddling very affectionately. Two weeks ago, after having dinner at my house and cuddling, she telephoned the next morning to tell me she liked me and enjoyed my company and was not saying goodbye, but that she felt no real chemistry. This blew me away considering her behavior the night before.”
The widower went on to ask a series of questions.
“Is there a magic bullet to light her chemistry or is there no real chemistry when you get to be so old?
“I really want to be with this lady, but it is awkward knowing she doesn’t feel about me as I thought she did.
“Is female chemistry so different from men’s? Any suggestions would be better than anything I have come up with.”
Without knowing all of the relationship details, it’s difficult to pinpoint the problem. Here are 10 items for him to consider:
1. Chemistry by any name—female chemistry, real chemistry or just chemistry—is an attraction for another person. It’s an essential ingredient to romantic relationships.
2. There is no magic wand that you can wave; it’s either present or not.
3. At least she is being honest with you. You are the first man she has dated and perhaps she is simply proceeding cautiously. If that spark isn’t there for her, at least you know it now. Is your personal hygiene in order?
4. I have had women tell me that when they first dated a man that there was no chemistry. And then after a period of time, chemistry suddenly developed. There might be hope.
5. I assure you, there is chemistry in our later years!
6. A man of 72 is fortunate; there are approximately five single women to each single man your age. You have a strong chance of meeting a fine woman who would be attracted to you. Continue to see her but date around a bit; maybe check out Match.com again.
7. I think you are making yourself too available. Back off some.
8. I would hate to see you wait around for her, only to find that she will never change and then have your heart broken again. It’s been four months already.
9. For a relationship to work, each person needs to make the other person a top priority, and that includes from the chemistry standpoint as well.
10. Are you being assertive enough with her? Does she think you aren’t being manly enough?
Here’s a guy in his early 70s, having to worry about stuff he had to worry about as a 20-year-old. Yikes, dating for older singles is challenging.
Tom Blake is a Dana Point resident and a former Dana Point businessman who has authored several books on middle-aged dating. His latest book can be found online at, www.smashwords.com/books/view/574810. See his website at www.findingloveafter60.com(Yes, after 60. Time rolls on.) To comment, email email@example.com.