Focus on yourself, get to know someone and don’t fall too quickly
By Tom Blake
Linda, 60, emailed, “I am trying to find a man I can love and who loves me.
“I have been on dating sites and have no problem getting dates. But they all tell me they love me within a week or two. They don’t even know me let alone love me. They want to push for a long-term relationship very soon and act very needy.
“This is not working for me because I don’t even get a chance to get to know them and maybe let something grow. I am honest from the beginning and try to tell them in a nice way that they need to slow down but they don’t. I start to feel stressed and end up leaving what may have been a nice relationship.
“I want so much to fall in love with someone but until recently, I’m not having any luck.”
My response: “These men sound desperate and needy and they are trying too hard, which isn’t appealing to you. They must, however, find you attractive. Where do you find these guys? What does ‘until recently’ mean?”
Linda said, “I just met a man I was attracted to so much that I felt 16 again. I was swept off my feet just talking to him for two weeks before we met in person, and when we met, it was as if I had known him forever.
“For eight days we saw each other every day. He wrote me poetry, played guitar and sang to me, took me on a motorcycle ride and cooked for me. He was charming and funny and I fell for him hook, line and sinker.
“He told me on the eighth day he needed space and that it wasn’t me, although he felt every bit the way he told me in the beginning. He didn’t know why but he lost all those feelings. He said he was this way with every woman he met and felt there was something wrong with him.
“I was devastated, I feel like my heart has been broken into pieces and my stomach is a tight knot of agony. I cannot eat or sleep and turn to tears at the drop of a hat. I never want to go through this again. I now wonder if this is what I do to the other guys I have dated and feel like a heel for hurting them. I’m wondering if I should look the last guy up and just settle for him and maybe grow to love him.
“I am heart sick with the thought of never being truly loved and giving love for the rest of my life, and it seems more urgent since I met the guy who broke my heart. I want to feel that alive again and be wanted. How do I accomplish getting someone I love with all of my heart and have them love me the same way? What do guys want?”
My response: “You turned the tables on yourself. You were too needy, too available and perhaps too easy. You were swept off your feet by someone you hadn’t even met in person.
“You dated him for only eight days. Get over him. You remind me of the Patsy Cline song, I Fall to Pieces. And now you feel more urgent. Develop some other life interests besides seeking a man. Find a good therapist to help you focus on becoming a more self-sufficient woman.
“And no, don’t settle for a man you don’t love, that’s being desperate as well.”
For more dating advice and stories visit, www.findingloveafter60.com and to comment, email Tom at firstname.lastname@example.org.
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